Let’s face it—the radical left and their RINO accomplices have made all Awards Ceremonies very boring and “woke.” Our mighty Nation deserves better. That’s why MAGAzine has created its own Prestigious awards for the Arts and Public Service: the Trumpy Awards, or “the Trumpies” for short. You cannot receive a Trumpy unless you are Brave and Strong enough to take on the Establishment, which is why these winners will surprise you. It’s not “the usual suspects,” such as Kid Rock, Scott Baio, Kristy Swanson, and Jimmy Woods, as amazing and very Beloved as they are, but the “A-est” of A-listers!
Every winner of a Trumpy is a WINNER—we don’t say, “And the Trumpy goes to … ,” like the weak, woke Establishment does—and receives a Golden Trumpy statuette modeled on the knockout body of Ivanka Trump, which many people would fondle vigorously if she wasn’t married to the Middle East expert Jared Kushner.
The Trumpy Award for Trumpiest Heritage Musician
WINNERS
Eric Clapton and Van Morrison. Rather than bowing down to “liddle” Tony Fauci, Eric wrote, and got Van to sing, an anti-lockdown song called “Stand and Deliver”: “Do you wanna be a free man / Or do you wanna be a slave? / Do you wanna wear these chains / Until you’re lying in the grave?” Exactly!! Van, you win a lifetime membership at Trump International Golf Links, in Scotland, which is a short chopper ride from your hometown of Belfast. Eric, they may call you “Slowhand,” but your hands are perfectly normal, large, and Fast!
RUNNER-UP
Bryan Adams. When Trump was still President, Bryan posted the following on Instagram: “Tonight was supposed to be the beginning of a tenancy of gigs at the @royalalberthall but thanks to some fucking bat-eating, wet-market animal-selling, virus-making greedy bastards, the whole world is now on hold, not to mention the thousands that have suffered or died from this virus. My message to them other than ‘thanks a fucking lot’ is go vegan.” Bryan, you were so, so close to winning the Trumpy, but then you went and apologized, which is very Canadian and “weak” of You!
The Trumpy Award for Trumpy Public Service and Good Legs
WINNER
Katharine McPhee. Katharine may have been a runner-up on American Idol, but she is “Number One” in speaking her mind about what a disaster California has become under Crime-loving, radical-Left governor Gavin Newsom. Kat publicly blamed “every single woke voter” for making Beverly Hills so dangerous that when her friend texted her, “Don’t wear your Rolex,” Katharine texted back, “No rings no watches.” Sexy Kat is also married to a man 35 years her senior, David Foster, which the Bible says is a PERFECT age difference!
RUNNER-UP
Mary Hart. Mary, whose “gams” were the best Part of Entertainment Tonight, appeared at Your Favorite President’s 2020 Independence Day event at Mount Rushmore, where many people are saying there should be a giant Trump face next to Honest Abe’s, or maybe in Teddy Roosevelt’s place, if they can dynamite off his mustache. Unfortunately, Mary is too old a woman to win a Trumpy, but she is good friends with her Beautiful fellow South Dakotan Kristi Noem, and Noem is a great MAGA governor.
The Independent Trumpy Spirit Award
WINNER
Krist Novoselic. The bass is the biggest of the String Instruments, and Big things are Good, which is one reason to love Krist. But what sent so, so many people “to Nirvana” was when Krist saw the President speak after the lawless George Floyd protests, and wrote on Facebook, “Trump knocked it out of the park with this speech.... The tone in this speech is strong and direct.” Agreed!
RUNNER-UP
Moe Tucker. How Great was it when Maureen “Moe” Tucker, of the Velvet Underground—whose degenerate shows had a very bad effect on downtown property values in the 1960s—showed her “true colors” at a Tea Party rally in Georgia back when Barack Hussein Obama was President? Moe said she was “furious about the way we’re being led towards socialism” and that “Obama’s plan is to destroy America from within.” Agreed! But Moe, where’d you goe? Ever since then, you have kept your opinions too “Underground” for MAGA Nation! Come out and bang the drum for Trump!
The Trumpy Award for Trumpy Food & Drink
WINNER
Martin’s Famous Pastry Shoppe, Inc. Jim Martin, the executive Chair of the Pennsylvania company best known for its very famous Potato Rolls, which are the Highest Quality rolls for the sacredly American dinner of hamburgers and hot dogs, gave $100K to MAGA’s own Doug Mastriano during his bid to be Pennsylvania governor. Doug was there at the Capitol to “Stop the Steal” on January 6, and we “relish” his participation! Good on Jim for doing the Right Thing, unlike RINO Mike Pence, who “rolled” over!
RUNNER-UP
D.G. Yuengling & Son. The Nation’s oldest Brewery has stood Strong since brewery chief Dick Yuengling Jr. endorsed Trump in 2016, creating a pathetic outcry among cryin’ Libs, who drink disgusting, hoppy “craft” beers anyway! Dick, if your Last Name didn’t make it sound like you come from China, you might’ve won the Trumpy!
The Trumpy Award for Trumpiest Public Intellectual
WINNER
Noam Chomsky. This low-energy Linguist could definitely use a Makeover, and has said some not-so-nice things about Your Favorite President in the past. But Chomsky redeemed himself this year by saying that “there is one statesman in the United States and Europe who has made a very sensible statement” about how to solve the Ukraine crisis, and “his name is Donald Trump.” Agreed! Instead of escalating the war with Russia’s very Strong leader, Putin, Noam says, the U.S. should try an “accommodation” that prevents the expansion eastward of that loser, deadbeat organization NATO. Hear, hear!
RUNNER-UP
Alex Berenson. Alex is a SMART reporter who went to Yale and worked at The New York Times—elite, snobby Places, except when we want to exploit their credibility. Unlike all the other “Barton Fink”-looking men in his position, Alex had the Courage to call out Covid for overhyping itself when it was mostly a HOAX!! Just like Your Favorite President, Alex was CENSORED from Twitter, though he won a Lawsuit and is back there again. Alex, if you’d kept strictly to Truth Social, you might’ve won the Trumpy!
The Trumpy Award for Trumpy Achievement in Sports
WINNER
Jack Del Rio. “Washington Commanders” is a Strong name for a Football Team, though it was very weak of “liddle” Danny Snyder to buckle under and give up the beautiful name “the Redskins.” But Jack, the Commanders’ defensive coordinator, who looks like he comes from Central Casting, shows no signs of weakness! He compared the George Floyd protests unfavorably to the beautiful Celebration we had on January 6 and said, “I can look at images on the TV, people’s livelihoods are being destroyed, businesses are being burned down, no problem. And then we have a dust-up at the Capitol, nothing burned down, and we’re going to make that a major deal.” Someone give this good-looking man a Head Coach–ing job!
RUNNER-UP
Aaron Rodgers. The champion Quarterback of the Packers is a Strong advocate of ivermectin and monoclonal antibodies. He called out the “woke mob” for “trying to shame and out and cancel” honest people like him who do their own research. Too bad he disqualified himself by breaking up with beautiful Shailene Woodley, who is Tall and shapely, like Ivanka!
John Barron is a very top Publicist, many people are saying