Spending an obscene amount of money on couture outfits she has no occasion to wear: 1:1.
Proofreading her son Barron’s college application essay, “Growing Up in a Family of Douchebags!”: 4:1.
Getting assurances from Stephen Miller that her husband’s “spectacular immigration crackdown” doesn’t somehow include her and her parents: 1:1.
Boxing up thousands of never-used Be Best hats and T-shirts for donation to some “shithole countries”: 3:1.
Hosting dinner parties for the many friends she made in D.C. while First Lady: 10,000:1.
Drinking heavily: 1:1.
Rifling through her husband’s underwear drawer for classified government documents to use as leverage when renegotiating her pre-nup: 1:1.
Using a burner phone to sext that six-foot-three-inch hunk of BDE, Gavin Newsom: 4:1.
Running the numbers on what a hypothetical OnlyFans Melania page would gross in year one: 6:1.
Charting the conjugal visiting hours of U.S. federal prisons: 20,000:1
Googling “slow-acting, hard-to-detect poisons”: 2:1.
Curating a list of real billionaires who are single: 1:1.
John Ficarra is the former editor of Mad magazine