From the Office of Prince Andrew, Duke of York KG, GCVO, CD
To: Crown Prince Pavlos of Greece
Dear Pavlos,
Greetings! You may have noticed the other day when I arrived at the memorial service for your father, the late King Constantine, that I was at the very front of the royal procession, several yards ahead of my beloved sister, the Princess Royal and younger brother, Edward, Duke of Edinburgh. I am told that I lent the proceedings a great deal of dignity and honor, and set an example in royal decorum. All the reports suggest that the British public took me to their hearts.
In addition, though there’s no reason at all why you should have noticed it, when the collecting plate came round, I dipped into my pocket and offered quite a sizeable donation, and here we are talking a note rather than just coins. And I was proud so to do.
I mention this for no other reason than this summer Sarah, Duchess of York and I are planning to “take a break” in the Bahamas, where I believe you have a well-appointed luxury villa, and we wondered if you would be around for a “catch-up”?
If not, would you care to make your house be available for us? Needless to say, any letting arrangements you have would greatly benefit from the ensuing publicity, but, as you are “family,” I am delighted to confirm that we would make no charge.
With kind regards,
Andrew
Sarah Ferguson (Fergie) @SarahTheDuchess
Hugest thanks and big big huggies to lovely lovely totally gorgeous Mitzi and the gang for inviting yours truly onto their totally fab mid-morning TV show to offer my support to President Sellenzky ❤️❤️❤️ and the stunningly brave people of Ukraine and to talk about my latest children’s best-seller, Princess Flora and The Little Bundle of Joy. Love you!
From the Office of Prince Andrew, Duke of York KG, GCVO, CD
Dear Baroness Mone,
As the UK’s former special representative for International Trade and Investment, I have, as you know, devoted a great deal of my valuable time to boosting the prosperity of my country, and, indeed, the world.
You doubtless remember being presented to me at one of my Pitch@Palace events. I offered you a personal tour of the Palace, and as we entered my personal apartments, I put on an hilarious “Northern” accent and joked “We moostn’t go on meeting like this!!!” I then put my arm around you in a protective and entirely honorable fashion.
As a mark of my respect, I am writing now to offer you a golden opportunity to invest in my daughter Beatrice’s 36th birthday celebrations this coming August. A minimum donation of $65,000 would secure you a seat at the top table, including a three course meal plus 1 glass of champagne, coffee and mints extra.
In these times of economic downturn, I feel we should all bloody well get on and “do our bit” to get the United Kingdom back on its feet, and your generosity in this matter would constitute one small step along the way.
With kind regards,
Andrew
From the Office of Prince Andrew, Duke of York KG, GCVO, CD
Dear Elon,
You probably remember “bumping into” me at The World Summit on Technology in Gstaad last autumn. I probably “need no introduction” (!) being rather famous (for my sins!!) but I was the bubbly redhead who probably spoke far too much (!!)—my friends tell me that I could chat for England, which, as the devoted and much-loved daughter-in-law of her excellent late Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, I am proud and privileged to do.
You may not know that together with my husband, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, I am now the proud mummy of the late Queen’s two surviving corgis, Sandy and Muick. It’s funny, but I often feel that those two lovable bundles of fun and fur contain the spirit of that wonderful woman. Sometimes, when I am feeding them I feel that I am feeding Her Majesty.
Enough of the old jaw-jaw—to business, Fergs! You probably recall that I was attending the Gstaad summit in my capacity as Global Ambassador for Sleepeezi Bedroom Fittings International, providers of prestige beds and mattresses to VIP clients the world over. So I thought I’d drop you a line to say that, as a memento of our meeting, I would be delighted to arrange a complimentary Super Luxury Kingsize Bed and Divan Set to be delivered free of charge to an address of your choice.
I would expect nothing in return, but of course we’d all be super-chuffed (!) if you were to mention our generous gift on social media. And, of course, you may be inclined to continue our friendship by making a voluntary donation, to SandyMuick Enterprises, which exists to foster friendship groups between wealth-creators and those of us in the public eye.
My back’s suddenly gone all itchy! If you scratch my back, Elon, it would make me so very happy to scratch yours, hint, hint!
Together, we can bring a little ray of sunshine into the world.
All the very best,
Sarah XX
From the Office of Prince Andrew, Duke of York KG, GCVO, CD
Dear President Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan,
I would be most tremendously grateful to you if you felt it possible to make a “charitable donation” perhaps in the form of a splendid new vehicle or similar and should you do so, I feel sure that my beloved late mother, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, would also wish to join me in congratulating you on your quite exceptional generosity.
I enclose a full-color signed photograph of myself and my late mother, frame extra.
With kindest regards,
Andrew
Craig Brown is a columnist at the Daily Mail and the author of One Two Three Four: The Beatles in Time