Forget the established polls—Washington Post/ABC News, Times/Siena, Quinnipiac, Pew, 538, all of them. For an accurate reading on Trump fatigue, look no further than the Attention-Whore Index. Because how else to interpret these findings? Last week, the criminal defendant and presumptive Republican nominee for president, a perennial A.W.I. contender (and often winner), barely managed to finish third—at 15.9 percent, not far ahead of (speaking of fatigue) the tiresome Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Second place went to the Sussexes (20.8 percent), who are showing disturbing signs of wanting to seep back into public consciousness, like mold through drywall. The easy winner? Governor Kristi Noem, that spectacularly dentitioned scourge of canines everywhere, with 31.9 percent. Noem, whose self-inflicted political troubles in recent months have been a marvel to behold, might have polled even higher if more of her memoir had trickled out before our deadline. But there’s time enough for that.
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
THE MET GALA
Slipping into decline-of-civilization territory. When Lauren Sánchez comes across as a relatively demure component in the mix, things have really gone off the rails.
2.
RUSSELL BRAND
The actor–conspiracy theorist’s baptism in the Thames—more convenient, if no cleaner, than the Gowanus—witnessed by the adventurer–TV presenter Bear Grylls, drew mixed notices. “Some Christians have welcomed him into the faith, citing Luke’s Gospel on God’s greater joy over a single sinner who repents than over 99 people who remain righteous,” said the Daily Mail. “Others are sceptical.” Brand has, after all, been accused of rape and sexual assault—allegations he denies—so a very publicly declared cleansing of sin from a very recent convert might be regarded as … opportune? In any event, so far, so good: “Week one as a Christian has been amazing.”
3.
KRISTI NOEM
Woe betide any dog that gets on the wrong side of last week’s winner. The governor of South Dakota, having disclosed her brave execution of Cricket (as well as of an unfortunate, unnamed goat bystander—wrong place, wrong time), said in a CBS interview that the Bidens’ notoriously nippy German shepherd should have been shot as well, and that “the president should be accountable” for the fact that Commander, who was ejected from the White House last year, lives on. Noem also claimed in her memoir that she’d met the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and that “I’m sure he underestimated me.... Dealing with foreign leaders takes resolve, preparation, and determination.” Also imagination; the encounter apparently never happened. This “small error,” in the words of Noem’s chief of communications, will be corrected.
4.
POTENTIAL TRUMP RUNNING MATES
Noem was present at a Trump fundraiser at Mar-a-Lago that drew several politicians auditioning for the Republican ticket’s V.P. spot, though her chances presumably vanished in the wake of all that gleeful barnyard carnage. But her North Dakota counterpart, Doug Burgum, was there, as were Senators Marco Rubio, Tim Scott, and J. D. Vance, and Congresswoman Elise Stefanik, all of whom engineered TV appearances for themselves the following day—and remain in the running for that most dubious of honors. (Or maybe not so dubious! According to Trump, “I’ve got 50 people calling me, begging me … ‘I’ll cut off my right arm, sir. Please, I want to be the vice president.’”)
5.
DONALD TRUMP
For the first time in his life, this Olympic-class Attention Whore might have preferred no attention at all. High-profile public allegations about one’s married but still swinging days as a silk-or-satin-pajama-wearing (but not condom-wearing) 60-year-old tomcatting around Tahoe and having sex with someone who reminded him of his daughter will do that. Anything else? Yes. Held in contempt—well, by most decent people, but in this particular instance by Judge Juan Merchan, who fined Trump again for “a direct attack on the rule of law” (violating a gag order) and threatened to jail him.
6.
RUDY GIULIANI
Resurfaced. The New York Times reported that Giuliani, who had promised a bankruptcy court he’d stick to a budget of $43,000 a month, spent nearly $120,000 in January, about which his creditors would like some specifics. One problem: according to a brief filed by Giuliani’s lawyers, “the Debtor advised that he has reached out to a number of accounting firms and CPA’s seeking their help, however, no one seems interested in taking the assignment.”
7.
BORIS JOHNSON
The former P.M. was turned away from his local polling station because he couldn’t produce a photo ID, a requirement his own government had put into effect as part of the Elections Act 2022. Embarrassing. Though he reportedly voted later on. And he got his name in the papers.
8.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Headline from The New York Times: R.F.K. Jr. Says Doctors Found a Dead Worm in His Brain. That, as everyone immediately pointed out, would explain a lot. (Except possibly the videos he’s posted of himself working out shirtless.)
And now for this week’s Diary …
In Tokyo …
BIG DEAL
Police here have arrested a yakuza—an organized-crime member—for stealing Pokémon cards. The arrest of the 39-year-old man, an officer in Japan’s second-largest Mob syndicate, follows a burglary at an office in the town of Ogano. “During the break-in, 29 pieces of property … were stolen, with the haul including 25 Pokemon cards,” Japan Today reported. The absurdity of a fearsome yakuza trading in Pokémon cards was duly kicked around online, but as the news site noted, “Pokemon cards are lightweight, liquid (in the ‘easily convertible to cash’ sense), and difficult to trace, all of which are going to be seen as pluses by potential thieves.”
In Puglia …
GETTING A BUZZ ON
After a 50-plus-year absence, the malaria-purveying anopheles mosquito has reappeared in Southern Italy. “It is thought likely that the mosquito has been able to re-establish itself thanks to the rewilding of its historic habitats, as well as rising temperatures,” reported The Times of London. “Researchers said, however, that tourists should not be unduly fearful. Populations of the same species in Greece have not led to a return of malaria.”
In Paris …
BUTTER B-GON
Quietly, stealthily, shockingly, vegan bakeries are starting to appear in France. Rodolphe Landemaine owns five in Paris and has his sights on other French cities, according to the BBC. In promoting his dairy-free boulangeries, Landemaine is careful not to use the term “vegan” (though he is one), the concept being too “militant” for many: “It’s not an easy word for French people to get used to. It’s very difficult for them to give up on butter and eggs.” Rather, he’s hoping that “customers will fall in love with his croissants, madeleines, quiches, sandwiches, flans and pains au raisins before they realize, too late, that butter has been replaced with a secret blend of plant-based products.” Bon chance!
In North Yorkshire …
APOSTROPHE CATASTROPHE
The county council here is bowing to the needs of computerized geographical databases and eliminating punctuation from its street signs, said The Guardian—proof, in the view of some angry residents, of “everything going downhill.” But the North Yorkshire council, consumed by its insistence that apostrophes and other annoyances must be dispensed with to “meet the standards set out in BS7666” (Britain’s “standards for geographical referencing”), might not realize what it’s up against: the newspaper also reported that the Cambridge City Council had attempted the same thing but “bowed to pressure and reinstated the apostrophe,” and that when Mid Devon considered adopting a punctuation-free policy, there was a similar “outcry from residents.” In other words, it’s on. Or, as BS7666 would prefer, “ITS ON.” —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War